Neurodivergence - One of the most common misunderstandings ever.

10/12/2024

We're at a point where most people have heard of terms like Neurodivergence, Autism (ASD), Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD), etc. Most people have likely heard of these terms thanks to the internet, and whilst most have a vague idea of what these things are, I'd wager most people have mostly incorrect information about them.

I generally don't think that the average person should (or shouldn't) have an indepth understanding of these conditions, or the vast majority of health conditions for that matter - for one, it's basically impossible when it comes to neurodivergence, I mean how do you use your normal brain to imagine what having an abnormal one is like? - and two, it doesn't do much beyond satisifying curiosity. You can know every symptom and every mechanism assoicated with ADHD but still have no idea how to interact with someone with ADHD.

Now that information, that is important. About 2-5% of people are estimated to be neurodivergent - it is not unlikely you interact with someone who is neurodivergent on a daily basis. In my life time I have only met one person who got this right, and here's how:

Step 1: Throw all of your knowledge out of the window... onto a trampoline.

When you meet someone who is neurodivergent for the first time, the worst thing you can do is base how you behave on all of those tiktoks you've seen about it. Even if you got your understanding of neurodivergence from a ruputable source, you should still ignore it completely for one simple reason - two people can be very different from eachother. This applies to neurodivergent people to, and making assumptions about their behaviour ignores this fact and dehumanizes them in the process. If you really are concerned about your behaviour, ask them - this turns the dehumanizing assumption into a personalized question, and most will happily answer you.

Why a trampoline then? That knowledge isn't forever useless. If you know about a trait and your new friend tells you they indeed have that trait, then you already know about it - great. The issue arrises with you assuming someone will have all of the traits associated with their condition, when that is actually very rare.

Step 2: Ask questions

As you get closer to someone who's neurodivergent you're likely to start noticing things you may consider odd. Don't keep these to yourself, and certainly don't allow yourself to just sit there thinking someone is odd - ask them about it. Obviously, pick a good time, as you would for any serious or private conversation. Accept that, sometimes you won't get a detailed answer if you're not close enough yet - but most people will give you an answer eventually.

Step 3: Listen

Being neurodivergent is hard for the same reason having any other life long condition is often hard - a part of your body is malfunctioning, and it always will. It just happens to be one of the most complicated parts of the body in this instance. Make no mistake, neurodivergence is a physical health issue like any other - in most cases, physical messages being sent in the brain don't work properly, and that can often cause the brain to end up being physically different from normal once you're an adult.

So, if your neurodivergent friend wants to vent about it, let them. Accept and acknowledge that actually, this shit is hard. You don't have to shower them in pity, just acknowledge it and offer help if you can.

If something you're doing is making them uncomfortable, even if it's something no one else cares about, treat it as you would with anyone else. If they say they can't tolerate something, even if it seems silly, trust that they're not saying that for the hell of it - to them, that thing is actually intolerable and there is likely nothing they can do about it.

Step 4: Do nothing the rest of the time

I used to think I didn't care when people joked/talked about my ADHD, that was until I pointed out to my boyfriend that he never did that, and he said "Why would I joke about it? It's clearly serious to you". The crying made it obvious that actually, I did care, but not so much about what people said about my ADHD, but rather the fact that I was clearly associated with ADHD in their minds, with my boyfriend being the only person I've ever met (who knows I have ADHD) that hasn't made that connection. To him I am just a person who happens to have xyz trait, like the next person who has zyx.

This showcases the power of not mentioning someones neurodivergence regularly. It is humanizing. It shows that you don't care about the label whatsoever. You only care about them.

The misunderstanding

If you haven't caught on already, the biggest misunderstanding isn't the symptoms of various forms of neurodivergence, or the way most people with xyz condition act (although both are often misunderstood - it's the humanity. People assume that ALL people with ASD or ADHD act a similar way, when that is patently false.

Another big mistunderstanding that I feel is worth mentioning is the idea that everyone is a little [INSERT CONDITION] because everyone shares traits with those peopele. Well that just serves as proof of how complex these conditions are. This is straight up wrong. You are only [INSERT CONDITION] if there is 0 explanation for the symptoms, and if they are consistent. By this logic, everyone would have ADHD when they're drunk - but they don't, becuase their symptoms can be explained by alcohol, and they go away once alcohol is removed. People with ADHD who have poor decision making almost ALWAYS have that trait.

Why I've actully grown to like being neurodivergent

I've spent almost my whole life hoping I could be normal. A year and a half ago I learnt that I will never be normal, and it hit bad. Since then I've been pretending I am normal, but it is exhuasting. Now? now I'm not so sure. My boyfriends attitude towards my condition has opened my eyes to the possibiltiy that maybe I can be treated normally even though I'm not - something I always assumed was impossible (and most of my experience does back that up). Actually, I almost like it now. I see a lot of things exactly as they are.

I see a lot of people, especially partners it seems, communicating with eachother using words that don't convey the meaning they're actually trying to convey - and then they act confused about why their target message didn't get across! It would be like me deciding I want to drive to London, and then deciding to put Edinburough in my SatNav, only to complain about the fact I'm not in London once I arrive.

I see people going to insane measures to avoid conflict even if it far harder than the conflict itself would be. I also see people complain for justified reasons about things everyone agrees suck, but they get shot down because they dared complain.

I see people who avoid telling someone that makes them feel bad, that they make them feel bad, because they don't want to make them feel bad. That's straight up puzzling.

I almost have a blackpill perspective on a lot of things, without the depression and anti-social behaviour that comes with it. Am I just realistic?